Spam wine

Yield: 1 servings

Measure Ingredient
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Okay. It's a bit tricky, but it can be done. FIRST off, you've got to stop the Spam rotting while it's in the mix. Sterilise the bugger.

Don't use Milton, it kills the rich taste. Use a half-pint of water at a constant temperature of sixty-two degrees, for two hours. Add a little alcohol (whisky, vodka, something strong) to the mix half an hour before you finish that process. Then blend, blend, blend. Stick the water and Spam into the mixer and hit "Frappe". Let that go until you have a smooth mix. Pour that into a demijohn. The NEXT step is fermentation. Six tablespoons of sugar. A sachet of brewer's yeast.

Two pints of water. Chuck 'em in. Swirl. Bung a cork in it and wait two weeks - remember, keep the mixture at twenty-four degrees. When two weeks have passed, the mixture should have stopped bubbling. Take the jar outside before opening it: it whiffs like nothing on earth at this stage. Add a splash more of the same alcoholic beverage you used earlier. Swirl. Add another pint of water. Swirl again. Bung and leave to settle for twenty-four hours. Decant the mix into a sterilised Demijohn, transferring all the solids, and heat briefly to fifty-five. All temperatures, incidentally, are in degrees Celsius.

Proceed with caution now. Add two ounces of charcoal powder and allow to settle. That takes out the fusel oil that forms. Decant again. Add a liquid made from the jelly of one tin of Spam and a half-pint of water, and another two spoons of sugar. This adds flavour. Another splash of the same alcholic beverage. Let that sit. If any sediment settles to the bottom, you need to reflux the mix with a bit of heat, not letting any fumes escape by employing a water-cooled exit tube.

Decant into bottles and lay down for about a month. The result: Spam wine. Incidentally, some notes on which beverage to splash the mix with: whisky gives the Spam wine a slightly smoky aftertaste and a lingering warmth. Vodka gives a clean, crip taste. Brandy adds a classy overtone, redolent of autumn pastures. Pernod tastes foul.

Spam wine is best enjoyed slightly chilled, but be warned. It has a kick like a squadron of highly-trained combat mules and your breath will be flammable enough to launch you intercontinental. ON NO ACCOUNT LIGHT FART-FLARES AFTER AN EVENING OF SPAM WINE DRINKING. I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THE RESULTANT PROPERTY DAMAGE OR NUCLEAR FALLOUT. Consider yourselves warned. Spam wine is a real booze-hound's drink. Drinking etiquette. Spam wine is passed to the right. It is drunk from heavy-based spirit glasses - anything else corrodes too fast. No larger than a half-pint measure, or you risk it reaching critical mass. The first sip should be downed straight to avoid damaging the mucous membranes. After hat, savour the flavour.

No Ice, on any account. It mixes well with tonic water, or cement powder. Sprinkling pepper on the top of the liquid and allowing it to settle gives a spicier, more fiery taste. AVOID CAYENNE POWDER.

Finally, after an evening of Spam wine drinking, ensure the buckets are nearby. And have a chilled toilet roll in the bog. From: M.R.Austin@... (MR AUSTIN)

Submitted By SAM LEFKOWITZ On 08-05-95

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