How to cook a husband

Yield: 1 Broadside

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"Smoke and Fire News"
November 1996

As Mr. Glass said of the hare, you first must catch him. Having done so, the mode of cooking him so as to make a good dish of him is as follows: Many good husbands are spoiled in the cooking; some women go about it as if their husbands were bladders, and blow them up. Others keep them constantly in hot water, while others freeze them by conjugal coldness. Some smother them with hatred, contention and variance, and some keep them in pickle all their lives.

These women always serve them up with tongue sauce. Now it cannot be supposed that husbands will be tender and good if managed in this way. But they are, on the contrary, very delicious when managed as follows: Get a large jar called the jar of carefulmess, (which all good wives have on hand) place your husband in it, and set him near the fire of conjugal love; let the fire be be pretty hot, but especially let it be clear-above all let it be constant. Cover him over with affection, kindness and subjection. Garnish him with modest, becoming familiarity and the spice of pleasantry and if you add kisses and other confectioneries let them be accompanied with a sufficient portion of secrecy; mixed with prudence and moderation. We would advise all good wives to try this receipt and realize how admirable a dish a husband is when properly cooked.

From an early 19th Century Broadside MM Format by John Hartman Indianapolis, IN Father's Day 1998

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